April Fool’s Debriefing
Some of you may noticed that there were many things amiss about the Shippai Kinshi project page yesterday. So just to confirm, yes, that entire project was a hoax designed for April Fool’s Day. I honestly don’t think there can possibly be protagonists that are that siscon (at least not from chapter 1)…
The idea came to us because I wanted to open a fake project for April Fool’s, and when trying to find the novel with the most hilarious concept, someone in our IRC channel mentioned that there was a novel that was all about pee. “It’s all about pee?! That’s perfect!” we all shouted like normal, completely-not-insane people. And so, the “translation” was actually a fanfiction written by one of our editors Kiritsurugi (although both I and Hantsuki chipped in a few segments). All of it was pure imagination except for the first line (which was translated correctly) and the fact that the plot had to be about pee.
I actually think that except for some rather exaggerated elements (like the siscon-ness mentioned above) Kiritsurugi’s creation was pretty believable. We’ll make a light novel author out of him yet.
Those with a perceptive eye also may have noticed a few other things horribly wrong with the site:
(1) A banner that randomly switched to a “Hatamaou translation” banner on occasion. What?
(2) The “contact us” page had no form, but just a picture of a rotary phone.
(3) The “other light novel translations” links on the right just linked to really long, but insanely catchy anime youtube videos.
(4) If you clicked the “about this translation” tab, every single staff member on that project had a screenname related to pantsu. OK, maybe this isn’t IMPOSSIBLE when it comes to anime fans, but…
(5) And of course the most obvious clue if you spotted it, our usual disclaimer in the bottom right was replaced by the following message:
“The work translated on this website is a complete load of bull. It is translated here without monetary incentive solely because this is what trolls do when they run out of animooz to watch on April Fool’s Day.
Any or all content of this website will be deleted and sent directly to Hell once we figure out how many goats must be sacrificed to get the post office to send packages there.”
We’ll be closing the site soon since April Fool’s is over. But it’s a shame to just completely delete all of Kiritsurugi’s work, so I am posting it attached to this announcement below (just click the “more” button to check it out!).
And last but not least, even though this unfortunately means we are not picking up Shippai Kinshi!, this series is actually currently being worked on by Teh_Ping at Heretic Translations, and you can check them out here. See? Happy ending for everyone.
Until the next April Fool’s~~🙂.
“Shippai Kinshi” (except not really) Chapter 1
“… Nii-san? How long do you plan to stay frozen there?”
My little sister, Shimizu Hijiri, stood there looking at me with the same expressionless look I was used to.
Hijiri was a rather petite girl, with short light blue hair. She usually was pretty quiet, but today she seemed completely bewildered.
But that was to be expected. After all, I was standing there with an expression of absolute shock on my face. But who could blame me?
Hijiri and I were both second-year high schoolers at Seiryuu Academy. In fact, we both happened to be in the same class. However, right now we weren’t at school, but rather in our own house. More specifically, in our first floor bathroom.
“Nii-san, I have to wipe.”
Her words seemed to bring me crashing back down to reality, and I realized the awkward position I was in. “S-Sorry!” I shouted out in a panicked voice, and with the speed of someone who had just touched his hand to a burning stove, I jumped back and slammed the door behind me. I put my hand to my chest, feeling my heart speeding up.
Hijiri and I both lived under one roof in a standard two story house. Our parents were both eternally absent from this place, as their work as archaeologists always kept them busy overseas. Spending that much time staring at old bones… I never saw the point. But it meant my little sister and I had this big house all to ourselves, and we were free to do what we wanted every day.
But no matter how much freedom we had, there were still common-sense rules for living together. You didn’t play loud music past midnight, you split up the chores evenly, and you never, ever, ever went to the bathroom without locking the door behind you.
My heart still racing, I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm my breathing. My ears were almost ringing, but I heard the sound of flowing water behind me. A few moments later, the bathroom door opened and I found myself face-to-face with Shimizu.
“Yo-you saw it, didn’t you?” Shimizu timidly said, still expressionless. But I can see her ears are quite red. I wonder why?
“O-of course I didn’t!” I blushed and turned away. Who could blame me anyway? Living with a cute sister like her is heaven– what the hell am i saying?! She’s my sister damnit!
“You know, nii-san, if you want next time you can wipe it for me~”
W-w-what?! What is she saying? Is she for real?! Are my wishes being granted at last?!
I stood there, bewildered and paralyzed for about ten seconds. Such an amazing developme– no, keep yourself together! She’s your sister!
“Nii-san? A-are you okay?” And then I woke up from my delusions. Due to the shock of seeing her in the bathroom, sweet illusions of her seducing me suddenly came to mind. Of course, she didn’t really offer for me to wipe her next time… I’m so sad…
No, I’m not sad! This is perfectly normal! I shouldn’t be looking at my sister with such perverted eyes… I’m a failure as a brother.
“I’m leaving.” Hijiri left immediately, probably due to embarrassment.
So who is this amazing big brother? My name is Shimizu Shou, 16 years old. My favorite hobbies include reading manga, playing video games and thinking about my sister. Don’t worry, my thoughts are very pure!
I’m neither handsome nor ugly; I’m what most consider normal looking. I never stand out from the crowd, and I’ve always dreamt of having a girlfriend. But for some reason I can never get one.
Hijiri already left for school, and she left me behind as always. Nowadays, she never walks with me to school anymore. She also avoids me in the hallways and ignores me in the classroom. Why does she hate me so much?
I get it if she’s shy around me because I’m a very attractive big brother, but this hurts my feelings.
Anyways, I left for school, intending to catch up with my little sister.
“Don’t walk next to me.”
These were the first words I heard when I had finally caught up to Hijiri.
“We’re brother and sister, right? Why don’t you just slow down and have a nice walk with Onii– ah!”
But she had already rushed ahead, meeting up with a tiny black-haired girl short enough that people would doubt whether or not she was in high school.
“Ah…she’s gone again…”
As I was lamenting to myself, an annoying laughter that could be compared to the braying of goats resounded from behind me.
“Kyahahahahaha! So that cute imouto of yours was being cold to you again, huh? She even rejected me when I asked her out last week! Man, she’s the definition of the so-called “yuki-onna”(1), isn’t she?”
Having said his piece, this person started to laugh in a disgusting manner again.
“Katou, you bastard…what do you want? And what have you been doing with my little sister? If you’ve even touched one hair on her head, I’ll kill you!” I shouted angrily at him.
By the way, this person, Katou, was my childhood friend since primary school. He had always had a terrible habit for womanizing, which made him unpopular with any female wherever he went. I don’t even know how he had managed to stay my friend for this long.
“Kyahahahahaha! Such furious eyes of yours, and a siscon as always…Don’t worry, I haven’t touched one hair on her head…but it might be a different story down there.”
C-could he have…!?
No, wait, remember back to this morning, Shizumu Shou!
Th-that’s right! I—have my golden truth(2)!
But it wasn’t really golden, more like a clear strea…no, what am I thinking! I must defend the honor of my little sister! I have time to think about that later!
“You couldn’t have touched her there! You’re lying! Because I’ve seen down there and…!”
Did I make a mistake?
“Sh-Shou, you did…”
“No! Wait! Stop!(3) I absolutely, definitely, positively did not do those kinds of things with my sister! I only watched her in the bathroom!”
Hm. I feel that the situation had just taken a turn for the worse. Again.
“So you even do those kinds of things together, huh…Shou, you lucky bastard! Damn you!!”
“W-wait, Katou! Just let me explain!”
“There’s no need for you to talk to me anymore now that you’ve got her, is there? We were once called the “two eternal virgins of Seiryuu Academy”, but now–you’ve abandoned me! Now I have nobody to trade ero-magazines with! Nobody to peek at girls with! Nobody to cry over our virginities with! You traitor!!”
“Since when did we have that name and since when did we ever do those kinds of things!? Just let me tell you every–”
But he had already run off in tears. Truly, enough liquid was pouring from his eyes to fill Biwa Lake. Aah, but Biwa is a freshwater lake! Don’t kill the fish!
…Hopefully my reputation hasn’t just been ruined.
I hadn’t noticed due to my talk with Katou, but I had just arrived at school.
I had no idea what to expect when I stepped into the building, but I did notice Katou whispering with a small group of boys who were pointing at me and trying to avoid my eyes. That probably wasn’t good.
My classes began with history. Haah…it was going to be a long day.
During lunch break, as always, I was eating together with Katou. Always eating together with a boy felt disgusting; I prefered to be eating with my dear little sister.
Speaking of her, I gazed at her climbing the stairs together with a familiar petite figure, who looked just like a loli. Oh yeah, I know her: she was Minato Karin, a first year, and is always together with Hijiri.
But I wonder, what they are doing there? There were only some club rooms up there… But I don’t remember either Hijiri or Minato to be in any of the clubs that have their rooms up there. It seemed a bit suspicious.
I gazed at Katou who was eating by my side;
“Katou, do you have any idea why Hijiri is climbing those stairs with Minato? I don’t think they are in any club around there.”
“Heh? Minato? I don’t really know that girl (Even though she seems interesting). but aren’t you Hijiri’s brother? Aren’t you the siscon?” Katou answered.
“Err… I guess so…”
“Then why the hell are you asking me!? Weren’t you supposed to know more than me about your lovely little sister…?”
“Of course! I know her better than anyone in this world!”
Katou looked at me with pitiful eyes.
“Then… Why the hell you don’t know about the “Second Flower Arrangement Club”?”
He said that looking so superior… Oh hell, he wants to show me that he knows more than me now!? I’ll show him who loves my sister more! But first…
“Heh…? Second…? Why a second…?” I asked that innocently.
“Yeah, there’s a second one, looks like it was made recently.”
I was completely dumbfounded. I never knew about this second flower arrangement club… well, since it was made recently maybe there’s no help, but still… But it looked like I was missing a really important point.
“Katou… What does this second flower arrangement club has to do with Hijiri?” I asked with a straight face.
“Hmm… Looks like you little sister joined there… Heh~, don’t tell me… Do I actually know something about your little sister that you don’t~?”
Katou said that with a superior look in his eyes. Ugh, how I want to beat his face up!
But this is not the time to be thinking about this. I should investigate, and discover what Hijiri is hiding from me.
“No matter what, it is my obligation as her big brother!”
Err.. I actually said that out and loud. The people around me were looking at me with weird gazes now. But I shouldn’t care about them! My little sister is my important now.
While thinking that I started climbing the stairs in the direction of the clubrooms. Now that I stop to think, I don’t even know where the club room is, but I should manage somehow.
I got distracted from thinking about that, and suddenly I realized there was something falling in my direction. Hmm… What is that…? It seems to be pink… Wait, it’s pink… And there is a skirt…? And legs…? Waiiiiiit!!!!!
It was a girl, a girl was falling from the stairs!!!! What the hell?! How can it be!
*Kabooom* She hit me right on my chest.
Suddenly I felt a soft sensation in my hands, and a warm breath right in my face. I raised my face a bit, and hesitantly opened my eyes. And when I opened them, what I saw in front of me was a petite loli figure. She was breathing right on my face, and her hair smelled good. Our lips were so close that if I moved an inch forward I could easily kiss her.
The one that fell over me was… Minato Karin.
(End of the segment)
We stared at each other for a few moments in silence, her shaking body positioned over mine. Ah… her legs are so soft… Wait, that’s not the problem here! There’s a girl on top of me!
Shit! The situation is becoming more awkward. I should probably say something. Something to redeem myself. Like : “Sorry, it was all an accident! Ahahaha!” No, that’s too generic, I probably shouldn’t say that. On the other hand, I have no time to waste! Ugh… here I go! Steeling my resolve, I slowly opened my mouth…
“Ah… Minato… san?”
She continued to tremble and stare at me with an indescribable expression.
“Y-Your panties… I can see—Buah!”
I was suddenly slapped.
“Y-Y-Y-You pervert! What do you think you’re doing to me, the Lady of Darkness, Midnight Karin!?”
Dumbfounded, I was too confused to even protest the stinging blow I had just received.
“I am the summoner of a thousand-no, a thousand thousand blood-thirsty demons of the Abyss! I am the Queen of the land of Black Avalon, and the conqueror of the 81 dark dimensions! And you have the nerve to do this to me? I’ll blow you to dust! Black Hellfire Blaze!”
Karin made a big show of waving around her small arms in complicated looking circles, before finally thrusting her palms into my face, just one millimeter from coming into actual contact with it. Now that I look, she’s wearing a white glove with a metallic silver cross on it. Isn’t she supposed to be all dark or something?
“Hah! How’s that, you pig! Trash!”
“Umm… I can still see your—“
Needless to say, I was slapped again, even more painfully than the last time.
“E-Enough! Now remove your body from mine, you mongrel! You are not fit to touch the body of a dark queen!”
“Even if you say that, you’re the one on top of me…”
Oh well. I should probably get out from here, anyway. With this thought in mind, I shifted my body in preparation to slide out from under Minato’s body.
A sudden high voice called out, and I reacted in surprise.
“Eh? But you were the one who told me to get away from you.”
Saying that, I attempted to move my body once again.
“Ahhn! I-I said, stop that! Or I’ll…”
Karin protested my movements again… and doesn’t her face look strained? Why could that be?
Suddenly, the truth hit me like a Fiat 500 (4).
I see… it must be “that” time of month for her today! In that case, I should move out as quickly as possible, so that she can reach the bathroom in time!
“Sorry, Minato-san, but here goes!”
I lifted my upper body…
“Nnnah! Don’t move! Stop moving! I said, don’t move!”
I stiffened my entire body in preparation for the slide.
Don’t worry, Minato-san! This’ll be over quickly!
But at the moment I was about to make my quick movement…
“You, what are you doing?!”
Standing off to the side of me was my little sister. Eh? When did she get here?
“Can’t you see that she’s in trouble right now? And besides that, what did you do to her?!”
This was the first time I had seen my younger sister show so much emotion. It was really surprising. For her to behave like this, Minato must really be close to her.
“I was just trying to get from under her, and then I was going to accompany her to the bathroom!”
“T-The bathroom? Why?”
Did Shimizu just look surprised? Was she surprised that I could be so gallant? Or was it something else? Either way, I should probably answer her quickly.
“I was going to take her to the bathroom because of her ‘troubles’…”
“Her troubles? W-What…”
“Don’t act so surprised. I mean, even you deal with it too, right? It’s not like it’s too hard to figure out.”
“H-How did you…”
Shimizu stood there, stock-still. It was obvious; something truly seemed to have shocked her this time. But a few seconds later, she snapped out of it.
“A-Anyway, we’ll save that for later! We need to get Karin-chan to the bathroom immediately! Or else she might not make it!” she said, still slightly panicked but more under control.
Oh, shit! For the past minute, I had forgotten, but I had a girl on top of me! A girl who was currently having woman troubles! A very cute loli girl! The first girl I had ever had on top of me! Wait, now’s not the time!
“Okay, Shimizu! I’ll carry her!” I hoisted the petite girl over my shoulders. Unsurprisingly, she was extremely light.
“Wait! I can’t trust you to do that!”
“No time for that now! Don’t worry, I’ll get her to the bathroom quickly!”
Saying that, I dashed off in the direction of the girls’ bathroom.
Half an hour later.
Minato walked out of the bathroom, seeming to be relieved from the troubles that had been bothering her earlier.
“Are you okay?” I asked her as she came towards me and Shimizu.
“Shut up, you pig!” she said. “It’s all your fault for all this!”
“Hah? But didn’t I save you? Didn’t I carry you?” I retorted. What an ungrateful girl. Maybe she wasn’t as cute as I thought…
“If you hadn’t done what you did, I would have been fine!”
“What do you mean by that? Anyway, what were you doing falling off the stairs in the first place?”
“Th-That… I… It was because I saw a dragon of nightmares, sent by an assassin of a rebel force in my empire! I could have finished it off, but it used an underhanded trick and knocked me off the stairs!”
…Didn’t you just trip and fall? But that’s not the point.This girl… was she chuunibyou or something?
“Yeah, yeah… so what happened to the dragon? Did it magically disappear in a puff of smoke? Or did it run away, scared of your personality? Or of your bad temper? Or of your tiny, minuscule, microscopic breasts? ”
The loli girl raged. Uwaah… rather than being a vanquisher of demons, she looked like a terrifying demon herself.
“Nii-san, that’s enough.”
The younger sister who had been silent this entire time spoke up in a cold tone that could freeze fire.
“Shimizu… Fine.” I quieted down. After all, you can’t call yourself a man if you don’t listen to your little sister!
Suddenly, my little sister spoke in a softer voice.
“Karin-chan. Let’s go back to the clubroom together after school, and we can discuss this together with the President, all right?”
“Sure… Yeah, let’s do that. And you!”
Minato’s forceful last words were directed at me.
“Come to the clubroom after school! My honor won’t stand to be tarnished by a trashy pig like you! We’ll have a rematch of pain and death!”
“Why should I have to—“
“Nii-san. I also think that it’s a good idea for you to come with us after school to the clubroom. There are some things we need to talk about.”
What a dilemma. On one hand, we have a belligerent loli girl that seemed to have the worst case of chuunibyou ever documented. She could be dangerous. On the other hand, my younger sister is personally inviting me to come with her after school…
“All right, I’ll go.”
Succumbing to the fearsome power of imoutos, I quickly agreed to her request.
So. The next confrontation would be after school, then…
Once again, I climbed those stairs. A girl won’t fall on me again this time, right? Not that it would be too much trouble…
If I recall correctly, Karin had been pretty light earlier. Almost weightless. Kinda makes you think she was cursed by a crab or something, you know (5)?
Ahh, but that’s not the point. Thinking that, I completed the climb and made it to the front of the doorway of the Second Flower Arrangement Club. Past these doors, who knows what would be awaiting me. Of course, the chunnibyou loli. Probably the club president. And my little sister as well~
But nothing will get done if I just stand here. Didn’t someone wise once say “A journey of a thousand girls begins with a single harem”? No, in that case, the thousand girls would be the harem itself, wouldn’t they? And actually, it seems that all the members of the club are girls as well.
Wait, how did my train of thought get here?! Why am I thinking of a harem?! And isn’t that quote a little bit wrong?! I’m perfectly happy with just my little sister- no, that is to say, my little sister is the only one I can be happy with! No others can interfere in our pure, deep love for each other! Nnn, that’s right!
Banishing all the forbidden thoughts of being with any other person but my dear Hijiri, I moved to turn the door’s handle.
“Okay! Let’s go!”
What awaited me was…
“Ohoho, the pig has finally arrived, huh? Good, now I can use him for target practice with my legendary corrupted Gáe Bulg (6) of darkness. Then I’ll beat him down with my Excalibolg (7)! And then I’ll grind him into tinier pieces than bulgur wheat!”
As expected, Minato Karin was waiting with a death glare on her face.
“What the hell is with all the “bulg”s? Are you from the Balkans (8)?” I retorted.
As I said that, I looked around the room. Ah, there was my Hijiri, by the window! She’s perfectly safe! Ahhh, I’m so glad~
Over in the corner in the back of the room, there was a suspicious person shrouded in black robes crouching there. Wait, he seems to be laughing?! Uwah, he truly is suspicious! I’ll need to keep my dear little sister away from him! Or her! Whatever!
And finally, sitting regally in the middle of the room, was who seemed to be the club president, judging from the ojou-sama type aura she was giving off.
Her perfect golden hair flowed down her back like sea waves, and her clear eyes were so blue that you could imagine a bird flying across them. She had perfect, white porcelain skin and her soft red lips seemed to draw every man’s gaze towards them. Botticelli, if only you were alive today to paint this! It would put Venus to shame.
“I am the president of the Second Flower Arrangement Club, Ryuusenji Chris. Pleased to meet you.”
Breaking me out of my fascination, that goddess spoke.
“A-Ah, I’m Shizimu Shou. Pleased to meet you,” I responded.
That goddess lost no time in getting to business, and began speaking again. All the other club members stood still, watching her in respect. Even that creepy guy in the corner. Speaking of which, I still don’t trust him/her.
“Shizimu Shou-chan. It seems that you’ve discovered your sister’s and Karin’s secrets.” She began.
Their secrets? Since when? What secrets?
“I’d like you to know that everybody else in the club here has the same problem.”
Oh, I get it now. She must be talking about her “time of month”, just like the other two. So this is a club for that? But in that case, wouldn’t half the students in the school be part of the club? And what do flowers have anything to do with it?
“T-The same problem?” I asked. “What about that person over there? Is she a girl as well”?
“Yes, but what does that have anything to do with it?” She looked confused.
“Well, I mean, to have that kind of bathroom problem…”
“So you’re saying that you have to be a girl to be incontinent? I see, so you’ve managed to find our secret and be rude about it as well.” Chris sounded less pleasant when saying that.
“Ara, don’t act so surprised, Shou-chan. Well, to my main point, we’ll have you join the club. Since you know our secrets, we can’t have you leaking out any information about our club activities. Therefore, we’ll have you join our club so we can keep an eye on you. You have no say in this matter. Understood?”
It feels as if I’ve gotten myself into even bigger trouble here… But! The main point is, my little sister is in a club for people who have bladder problems, not people with period problems. I see, I see. It seems I had misunderstood something, but I’ll have to accept that for now. I have to deal with this issue.
“I refuse. I refuse to join such a strange club, and Hijiri won’t either. This is for her own good.”
Seriously? A club for incontinent people? Everybody would laugh at my little sister if they found out.
Laughter leads to feeling ostracized. Feeling ostracized leads to depression. Depression leads to suicide. Suicide leads to death! That’s right, this is a noble cause! I’m saving my little sister’s life!
“Nii-san, you idiot.” Hijiri looked away.
“That’s right!” Karin protested. “It’s fine if you don’t want to join the club! We don’t accept trashy pigs here anyways! But don’t take away my friend!”
Chris spoke up again. “Like I said, you don’t have a choice, Shou-chan. But Karin, if you want, we can have him pass a trial before he enters.”
“Chris-sama! Do we really have to accept this person? He’s a pig, a trashy pig who enjoys looking at my panties!”
“We must. For the safety for all of us, so that we may conduct our activities in peace.” Chris said calmly.
“…Fine, Chris-sama. But, I’ll make sure that bastard goes through Hell and back before he joins! Got that, pig?” Karin defiantly stuck out her small chest and proclaimed that.
I quickly shot that down. “No. Like I said, I can’t let my little sister be in this weird club, and I won’t join either. This is absolutely-“
“Nii-san, you idiot.”
“Listen, this is for your own good. There’s no way that being here will do anything for you, even if you happen to be incontinent. There’s no good to come of this club.”
“Nii-san, you idiot! It’s not about that!”
“For the first time, I had friends I could trust and understand! Would you believe me if I said I was incontinent? Would you help me? These people- they are all my friends, and they have the same problem as me! And you want to take me away from here selfishly? Just go ho- nn!”
Then, Hijiri suddenly bent over and collapsed on the floor.
“Hijiri!” I shouted and ran over as quickly as I could.
The other club members did so as well, save for the girl in the corner.
“Hey, you pig! This is all your fault!” Karin said.
“How exactly is it my fault? I’m just trying to do the best for her!”
“No, Shou-chan.” The president explained. “Her incontinence trigger is stress.”
So she has those problems when she gets stressed? Then it really is my fault!
“Ufu. Ufufu. Ufuahahaha!” The club president was laughing. “Karin-chan, this’ll work, won’t it?”
Karin looked flummoxed for a second, then her eyes lit up. “Ah. Yes, I get it. That’ll be perfect! Hey, you pig!”
“What is it?” I shouted. “What do we do? My sister is here and she’s-“
“Pig. Do you want your sister to embarrass herself here? Do you want her to ‘go’ on the floor? Well?
This is your trial! So hurry up, if you know what to do!”
If I know what to…
Quickly, I leaped forward and scooped my little sister up.
“What are you…” she weakly protested.
“Sorry! But I’ll be taking you to the bathroom!”
And letting her ride on my shoulders, I dashed towards the nearest place where she could relieve herself, leaving aside the question of the club for later.
“Hijiri! Hang in there!” I told her as I ran as quickly as I could.
“I-I can’t hold it…”
“Yes, you can! Just use your willpower!”
The nearest restroom was on the floor below us. Praying that I wouldn’t trip or be attacked by an assassin’s dragon, I stumbled down the stairs and safely made it to the bottom. Ah, I’m safe. I’m so glad of that I can almost hear music playing. Wait, music really is playing! And this sound- ocean waves too? But if Hijiri hears the sound of water, she’ll surely-
“Nii…san…” She began to shift around. Shit! It’ll really happen if I don’t hurry!
Near the middle of the stairs, I saw that goddess standing there with a music player in her hands. She was smiling, as if telling me “Good luck!” or “Do your best!” Was she really a goddess? No, maybe she’s a devil like that loli!
And speak of the devil. Karin was running behind me as I dashed towards the bathroom. She seemed to be speaking some type of Gregorian chant or something.
“Oh, great Demon lord of the impassable time of eternity. The sea of midnight envelops the crystal purity of a maiden’s heart. And that man who stands there- His body is made out of swords. His blood is of iron and his heart of glass (9).”
“What are you saying!? That’s not helping at all!” I yelled.
Crap! I have to get there soon! A bead of sweat seemed to roll down the back of my neck. But I can’t give up!
“You won’t make it,” Karin said. “Therefore, I have decided to use this as a ritual.”
“Ritual!? What do you mean by r-”
“He survived through countless battles. Not even once retreating. Not even once being understood. He was always alone. Intoxicated with victory in a hill of swords. Thus, his life has no meaning. That body was certainly made out of swords.” Karin’s chant continued.
Then, I felt it. The back of my neck… that wasn’t sweat. Pushing my body to its utmost limit and straining my bones and muscles so much that they began to creak, I tried to go even faster.
“And so, here I sacrifice the blood of a dirty, impure pig!”
“Wait, who’s the pig?!”
“I offer his flesh to be sprinkled upon with the holy water of a pure white maiden!”
“What maiden? What holy water? What’s going on!?”
“The pig will become the sacrifice to summon the fifth incarnation of Verethragna (10)! The mighty boar of destruction!”
“Wait, I get it now! Wait, this isn’t right! Stop this! I’ll make it, I know I will! So stop the chanting! Stop it! I’m not a pig! I’M NOT A PIG! I’M NOT A PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG!!!!!!!!!”
The sound of the waves coming from Chris’s music player stopped
The sound of crystal breaking.
The sound of glass shattering.
The sound of a moment in time freezing.
The sound of a bell ringing.
Hijiri suddenly relaxed. There was no more stopping the waves of fate. Even I understood that now.
“Come forth, great boar of legends!”
And at that moment…
Half an hour later, back at the clubroom.
Hijiri wouldn’t look at me at all. That was understandable, seeing as I had caused problems for her. But you know, I was kind of happy about this situation. Wait, isn’t that a really weird thing to say?!
“Ara, Shou-chan. It doesn’t look like you passed.” Smiling, the president helped to wipe off my head.
I batted away her hand. “Shut up! I was wrong about you! You’re not a goddess at all! That’s right, you’re a demon! A demon!”
“And I was right, you really are a pig. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem that the beast of legend appeared. It seems that your blood was too trashy to satisfy the gods.” Karin spoke triumphantly.
“So, do you get it now?” Chris asked.
“Huh? Well, yeah…”
It really did seem earlier that Hijiri… seemed happier with these people. And even if they are evil, they don’t seem to be bad people. Hm, I’ve just created a paradox. How brilliant of me. But that’s beside the point.
I guess… if she really wants this, if this really makes her happier, then I can’t stop her. Yeah, her happiness is really what I should be looking for.
She didn’t look at me, but I could tell she was paying attention.
“I guess I’ll let you stay here.”
She quickly turned towards me, but her face still seemed expressionless. Even so, I could tell that she was happier already.
“However! I will stay here by you to make sure that nothing strange happens at all, do you understand?” I told her.
“Yes, I understand.” Hijiri accepted my request and turned back around. Ah, she’s talking to me again! Even if she’s being tsundere! I’m so happy I could die~!
“What is it? I’m having a beautiful reconciliation with by little sister who is even more beautiful than that itself.”
“You can’t join the club yet.” The president gave me another devilish smile.
“What!? You were the one who said I had no choice but to join! To be refused now is utterly unacceptable!” I protested.
“Remember that we added a trial, Shou-chan?”
“But I did do the trial!”
Chunni-loli broke in. “But you didn’t pass.”
“Urgh… So what must I do?!”
“Hmph…!” Karin grinned evilly. “You’ll have another trial tomorrow, after school. And this time, you’ll be facing me!”
So, I really have to do that? Against the most troublesome-seeming member of the club (except for maybe that cloaked girl who had been laughing ever since I re-entered the room dripping wet, but I don’t really know much about her)?
God, if you’re listening to me somewhere, expect me to visit soon.
Haah…This club really will be the death of me.
(1) “Yuki-onna” means “snow woman”. It refers to a female with a cold or hostile personality.
(2) “Golden truth” is a reference to Umineko no Naku Koro ni.
(3) “Stop” is spoken in English.
(4) The Fiat 500 is the car that Lupin from Lupin III drives.
(5) This is a reference to the crab god that took away Hitagi’s weight in Bakemonogatari.
(6) Gáe Bulg is the spear of Cú Chulainn. Cú Chulainn was also a Lancer in Fate/Stay Night.
(7) Excalibolg is the bludgeoning club of Dokuro from Bokusatsu Tenshi Dokuro-chan.
(8) He is referring to Bulgaria, which is in the Balkan Peninsula.
(9) The last lines of this part of the chant and the next paragraph of chanting are the invocation for Unlimited Blade Works in Fate/Stay Night.
(10) This is a reference to a Persian god of war in Campione!